If you have elderly parents, you might have to step in at some point and provide caregiving services. Whether that concept means hands-on personal assistance with things like bathing, dressing, grooming, and feeding, or handling their finances and making decisions for them, this change in your roles can be challenging for you and your parent. Here are some issues to consider about how to help your elderly parent without ruining your relationship.
It’s Usually Not “Leave It to Beaver”
Acknowledge and accept your family dynamics as they are. Many people grow up seeing fictional families on television and wish their parents and siblings got along better. Very few families measure up to the imaginary ones of fiction. You and your parent probably did not have the kind of relationship in which you would regularly get together for coffee or shopping. Quite a few people have strained interactions with their parents.
Relationships carry the baggage of the past. It is not helpful for people to tell you to forget about the past. Your parent is the same person with whom you have had conflict, which means they will continue to do things that upset you. If your parent was extremely authoritarian or independent, it will be difficult for them to accept someone telling them what to do – especially one of their children.
Patience versus Doormat
You should try to be understanding of what your parent is going through, such as losing independence and feeling less valuable or powerful. They might get confused and forget you already did things they now accuse you of not doing. They might also be dealing with chronic pain and other health issues.
You should, however, set boundaries. Getting old does not give your parent a right to be physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive. Be firm with your parent if any of these things happen. Being a dutiful and caring son or daughter does not include being a doormat. Calmly inform your parent of the behavior that is not acceptable. You might need to have someone in social services arrange for counseling to help your parent adjust to the reality of aging and the need for assistance.
The Silver Lining
For some people, this stage of life is a time to deal with unfinished business. For those that have had challenging relationships with your parents, now could be the opportunity where you can talk out problems or questions. You might be able to resolve conflicts that could have caused you regrets down the road. The best approach for this goal to tread lightly. Just because your parent is frail, you do not have the right to beat them up verbally with a long list of criticisms and complaints.
Address only one piece of a small issue in a visit, and do not dredge up unpleasant topics in every visit. You do not want your parent to dread seeing you. Be the kind of person you might wish your parent had been when you were a child – kind, compassionate and nurturing.
Those of you who have enjoyed a happy, healthy relationship with your parents can deepen your mutual affection and interaction. Since your parent is no longer rushing around to work and raise a family, you can have uninterrupted conversations and create memories to treasure. Even people who have had strained relationships might get to reach the point where they have pleasant times with their elderly parents.
References: A Place for Mom. “Parenting the Parent: Caring for Elderly Parents.” (accessed August 21, 2019 ) https://www.aplaceformom.com/planning-and-advice/articles/caring-for-elderly-parents